*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Never mess with a drunken pig.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏