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@1followernodad: *whispers to an avocado*
"I'm the good kind of fat, too."
@ashleyaustrew: "I don't know the government, and I'm not giving them any of my coins." - my 4yo after I explained taxes
@Tw1tter_K1tten: The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
@mishakey: Why haven't you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
@squirrel74wkgn: [alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
"Take me to your leader"
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife...
@postcrunk: is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don't have to die alone?