yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
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Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no