Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
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It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years