@CornOnTheGoblin: [whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don't freak out
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@AndrewChamings: [really awkward birthday party] FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
@UnFitz: Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say "iron whilst damp." I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
@chuuew: As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won't activate the touch screen, I'm long gone.
@Donna_McCoy: You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.