@CornOnTheGoblin: [whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don't freak out
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@slyoung5: Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
@briancthayer: Kids, eat your vegetables. *reluctantly, they eat* [2 hrs later] *I eavesdrop on their convo* Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
@chimneyspotter: DATE: Ooh, such long fingers ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have? D: I have an idea *sexy wink* M: My intestines are about 30ft
@msdanifernandez: Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.