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@CornOnTheGoblin: [whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don't freak out
@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
@sofarrsogud: Not to brag, but I can cure my wife's insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
@underchilde: Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it's a seance and you're dead.
@thatUPSdude: Niece: Uncle I can't find my Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That's Weird.