You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s