*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Breaking news:
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.