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@dafloydsta: *whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
@YesThatAmy: What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!
@BigRadMachine: Y'all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
@dshack8: Given the number of tampon's wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
@WilliamRodgers: Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I'll have........ (snickering) a water
@MrMichaelRose: *impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F--oh yeah the island