We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.