@FemalePains: white boys be texting like... ????
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@crushingbort: They put babies on packages of toilet paper because that's what we used to wipe with before scientists discovered they grow up into people
@BroIsMeeeee: "sir do u know why i pulled u over" *shrugs* "License- *hands cop box of crayons* "sir plea- *hands cop coloring book* *cop starts coloring*
@doktorj: *lies down on waxing table Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.