HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
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“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.