[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.