[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
wow he looks just like him
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
#merica