[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
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Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Can’t, holding a grudge
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?