GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
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I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I think this should do it.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
saving face 👀
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.