White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.