White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I can also cook 😂
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Hero horse inspires millions
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.