White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
so this horse walks into a bar
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
my favorite genre of twitter
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.