me after eating Cheetos
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
2 years later
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.