EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
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They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
You wish you had this many chins.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.