[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure