@samfromks: White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
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@MartaEffing: *leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Me: how much for the entire case? Donut shop clerk: ma'am, $8.99 a dozen
@LoriLuvsShoes: I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write "wash me" on her face
@Discourt: I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn't have to hear her say she's done.
@Kyle_Lippert: Me: Hey. Nice Honda. Him: It's an Acura. Me: All Asian cars look alike. Him: You're racist. Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.