The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
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i’m still crying at this
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*