White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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Real House Wines.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did