White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night