My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
You Might Also Like
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”