Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!