People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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Social Media and Real life
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.