Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
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Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
this could fix me
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.