{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Finally, an explanation.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.