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@TheNewsAtGlenn: Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
@AsYouNotWish: The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.
@envydatropic: I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
@TheAlexNevil: Her: I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you
*she stabs me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
@knot_eye: "Well ... I'll be dammed."
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
@PeachCoffin: I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving