Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go