@ericsshadow: Who called it a "backpack" and not, "the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex."
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@parkersJoking: [at Dr. appointment] Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet. Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
@GrantTanaka: there's a jehovah's witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
@jimmytorosian: [commercial] Narrator: These are real people and not actors- Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!