who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
You Might Also Like
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.