@tehaveragejoel: who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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@joejwest: [jail] ME: I want my phone call COP: Ok. Make it count ME: [dials payphone] [cop's mobile rings] COP: Hello? ME: Please let me go
@rockymomax: ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird* WIFE: did you actually read it? ME: yup WIFE: what happens ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
@JediGigi: Him: I'm leaving you. Me: [can't hear him because I'm trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
@jordan_stratton: Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I've ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.