Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
You Might Also Like
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Florida man
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!