Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Anyone really
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera