Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!