Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho