Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My first son he is wonderful
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.