Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog