Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!