who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no