My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent