Who called it baking and not making love
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!