who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”