It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village