@iwearaonesie: wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things me *walks out of the bathroom* wife: Did you wash your hands? me *goes back in the bathroom*

@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?" "Uhhh....why?" "I'm drawing a picture of you for school." "Cool! It's spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E."

@Sickayduh: "OMG I'm so wet right now" - Me after washing a spoon

@JohnLyonTweets: Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning. Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

@Staggfilms: If I was a giraffe, I'd get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.