@iwearaonesie: wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?"
"Uhhh....why?"
"I'm drawing a picture of you for school."
"Cool! It's spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E."
@Sickayduh: "OMG I'm so wet right now"
- Me after washing a spoon
@JohnLyonTweets: Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
@Staggfilms: If I was a giraffe, I'd get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
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