If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
#ParentingFacts
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I’d use my best pan on you.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.