@TheSadnesses: if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

@JennyJohnsonHi5: I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal's throat.

@OctopusCavemann: Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish? Me: I ordered it battered Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish* Me: Thanks

@psychopompis: man-ant: picnic's over boys ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run! man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*

@hippieswordfish: *swallows pride* *reads the label* 'this pride may contain nuts* oh no *swells with pride*