@KylePlantEmoji: Professor: most of you won't pass this course Me: cool so you're like, Real shitty at your job

@justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.

@seamussaid: help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling "BEHOLD!"

@GrantTanaka: me: [making impt life decision] what should I do wife: just listen to your gut me: ok gut: let’s get nachos me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS wife: wtf just happened

@SortaBad: Dating Tip: Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats