@KylePlantEmoji: Professor: most of you won't pass this course
Me: cool so you're like, Real shitty at your job
@justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
@seamussaid: help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling "BEHOLD!"
@GrantTanaka: me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
@SortaBad: Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
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