Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard