When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
We decided to have money instead of children.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.