Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk