Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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bury ourselves
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
can’t catch a break
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*